BSG Eps. 1:3-5

Previously on Battlestar - DRAMA!

Bastille Day (1:3)
Now on Battlestar: crusty old alcoholic continues to be a crusty old alcoholic. How long is it going to take for people to get sick of his alcoholic ass?

So, there's an issue with the water. And - what is this? There's drama between Adamas senior and Junior? Shock!
So, the water has to come from the ice, which has to be melted, and we have to have the prisoners do it. Enter the prisoners. Or, wait - WHOA! Did they really just open all of the prisoners' cells? This seems ill advised. Of course, that's only if someone has the balls to step out. And now you've got a terrorist (aka OldApollo, yes?) as the spokesperson for the prisoners, who think you need them (you do) and think that will give them leverage (it will). Nice.

Meanwhile, on Caprica: Helo and BoomToast2 wander the deserted city. BoomToast2 is traumatized by rats. Caprica6 and ThatOherCylonGuy debate killing the parents. Freud would love it.

Terrorist/OldApollo pulls a Hannibal Lecter on NewApollo, who betrays immediately that he's never been in a prison. Sketchy-ass prisoner wants guard's attention. I don't like it at all. NewApollo tries to appeal to OldApollo's principles. Oh, and sketchy prisoner is actually just signaling to that guard that it's time to implement their diabolical plan. So many traitors, so little time. And...the inmates are out! But NewApollo is not. And the mastermind doesn't lift a finger (nice).

Hostages talk psychology and demands and - OOH, BALTAR! He is such a delightful train wreck! I love Baltar crushing on Starbuck almost as much as I love Starbuck shooting him down.

Hm. I foresee more head-butting in this episode. Oh, wait - there it is! Starbuck v. CrustyAlkie. Yeah, that's going nowhere good.

I love pouring the water like the best alcohol.

HeadSix does good crazy. Baltar does good losing his shit. Apollo does good, "Yeah...you're going to need to do what I want." And really, how does no one realize that Baltar is hearing voices? I know I ask that every time, but really?!

A warhead? You're going to give the Cylons a warhead? Because you know you can't be trusted and you KNOW Six is in your head! Why, Baltar - WHY?!

BoomToast1 continues to freak out, and her boyfriend continues to sympathize with canoodling. Busted, at last - CrustyAlkie says cut that inappropriate fraternizing out! BoomToast1 thinks, "Sir, you have NO IDEA!"

Ooh, Terrorist/OldApollo played the H-card! And Adama Senior is underestimating the power of the terrorist's draw. And, killing the guy who has publicly claimed to speak for the people is *so* not going to help.

Ah, the freedom vs. order argument. Of course, freedom is actually chaos and brute force, in this case...

You know, I'm sort of sad that his ear was the only thing that got bitten off.

Adama Junior says the obvious, which is that Terrorist/OldApollo is not just a idealist. Are we supposed to be shocked that freedom is not the primary motive?

Ooh, nice to see Adama Junior showing some testosterone - he might be worth crushing on after all! So, I'm glad Apollo stood up for the law. I wish it hadn't taken a terrorist spouting freedom/anarchy/violence for someone to think of it, but I get that there's a little bit of crazy going on right now.

"He's lucky that's all I bit off." Amen, Callie!

Um, does CrustyAlkie really think his "personal" problem has no effect on his "professional" life? And, as R. said, "Way to fuck up a peace offering."

Hm. President tells Apollo about the cancer, swears him to secrecy. Sweet, but will surely bite someone in the ass, yeah?


Act of Contrition (1:4)
Previously on Battlestar: BoomToast2 and HotLo hug it out, Starbuck and Apollo butt heads over BabyAdama, and we're maybe supposed to think that some military person is still alive on Caprica. Or that the Cylons want us to think so.

Flashback excitement to come. Yep, there it is.

Oh, and tomfoolery is about to blow people up. NOT GOOD! How, exactly, was that not secured? Oh, "metal fatigue, old equipment..." Sucks, but not as badly as what I thought was going to happen (pilot blows landing, Starbuck beats herself up over not having been harder on him...).

Aw, those empty chairs are just heartbreaking. And Apollo (I think the testosterone earned him his nickname) is clearly heartbroken. But AdamaSenior has that serious look, like he's about to rip somebody a new one. Of course, that's maybe just Edward James Olmos' face, so... And he says, "Buck up! You have to hold it together." Which is true, and gentler than what I expected.

BabyAdama's funeral - I love AdamaMama and PopAdama on opposite sides of the coffin. And PopAdama holding hands w/Starbuck makes me want to hug him. I WILL NOT CRY!

Also, I sort of like that their "amen" is a communal assent. Because they all are, really.

Starbuck and PopAdama talk about training newbies. And PopAdama brings the real! This is about Zach, and we have to let go of that guilt. But Starbuck has extra guilt, which I'm guessing PopAdama doesn't know about yet. Yeah, he doesn't know. Is she going to tell him? I really don't think she should. Honesty is great and all, but there's a time to let those old, raw wounds alone.

And Baltar and Starbuck are at it with the gambling again, but our girl is *clearly* not focusing. Well, not on the game, anyway. That's going to get awkward really quickly. BoomToast1 takes some guy's money and OH MY GOD, HOW LONG UNTIL SOMEONE FIGURES OUT THAT SHE'S A CYLON?!?! Sorry, sometimes the anticipation gets the best of me.

HotLo and BoomToast2: he's been on Caprica for 14 days. Has it really been just 2 weeks since everything went horribly wrong. Jesus. OK, we found the signal, but it's under a restaurant. Secret bunker? Trap? Both? Oh, and now Caprica Six has followed you there. But she hasn't gone in...is she calling for reinforcements? SO STRESSFUL!

President is not taking this doctor's shit. "Slow your roll, doc!" He looks familiar - is he also old-school BSG? Will have to check. Anyway, doctor says, "You're fucked." President says, "Nah-anh, there's some new agey sounding thing that-" "Yeah. That's crazy talk," says the doctor, "but it's your funeral. Oh, and you might want to have a chat with Lords of Cobalt about all this because, to reiterate, you're screwed."

Starbuck starts flight school. They're a ragtag bunch of babies, which obviously means trouble. This one is obviously trouble, because he's trying to snark when he should be shutting the fuck up and learning how not to get dead. Yeah, this is why I'm not a military type - because I would pop a cadet in the mouth for that shit.

So, the newbies kind of suck and Starbuck fires them all. Which just isn't going to work. And, oh my God, how long before Apollo and Starbuck *actually* have sex, rather than just invading each other's personal space in super charged ways? And now Apollo tells PopAdama that she's - OH NO! STOP TALKING, APOLLO! Loose lips...

And Starbuck gets called to the principle - I mean Commander's quarters. So, this is going to suck, yeah? A lot. Ooh, and he even pulled out the, 'Love you like a daughter" line. Ginormous cat now out bag. EJO channels good man pain - master class, baby actors, pay attention.

Phew. That was hard. And now he's got drama with both son and "daughter."

Cat, Chuckles and Hot Dog have obviously not gotten the memo that unabashed happiness means someone will die. Yep, cue the incoming Cylons. And of course Hot Dog is not following orders. *That's* how Starbuck is going to end up getting fucked up.

PopAdama and Apollo, god of UST are both vaklempt - WILL SHE MAKE IT?!

Of course. BUT HOW?!


You Can't Go Home Again (1:5)
Previously on Battlestar Galactica: Salt in the Zach wound, Bunker is obviously a trap or an ambush about to happen, Starbuck falls out of the sky.

I love it that the only purpose Adamas Junior and Senior can unite behind is the magnet of effed-up-itude that is Kara "Starbuck" Thrace.

I also love it that they have a timer for everything. Also that EJO makes everything sound super important. I want Edward James Olmos and James Earl Jones in a gravitas-off.

R. points out that HeadSix's titillation has gotten pretty old pretty quickly. She is not wrong. Perhaps I'd be more enthralled if she were more my type. Like Helo. PS - How is he Helo so hot sometimes and not necessarily so hot as some other times? So confusing!

Speaking of Hot, back on Caprica: Helo and BoomToast2 play house. Well, not the nookie part (yet...I don't think), but that's obviously coming. But there's also obviously an old-school Cylon in the house. Trap. Such a trap. Ooh, 2, at least. And the toaster is going to betray him to the toaster, isn't it? Oh, the irony! I'd say it looks bad for our Caprica hero, but I feel like this trap is too deep for him to go out over some random breakfast. Besides, it's much more painful if he lives, thinks all is well, and gets in deeper with the enemy, yes?

Starbuck talks smack to the gods, who reward her with a Cylon ship. Softies.

Does BSG have one of those Star Trek style  "emotions getting in the way, must step down" rules? No? Ok. Just wondering, because this is SUCH BAD TACTICAL EVERYTHING!

Helo wakes up (first sign that something is fishy) alone, thinks the Cylons have taken his new almost-girlfriend. Think, Helo. Why wouldn't they just put bullets into both of your brains?

Starbuck to ship: "Are you alive?" Gee, where have I heard that before? Oh, yeah - this ship is some serious shit. Oh my God, is going to try to plug herself into the Shiplon?! Ew, Shiplon mouth-to-mouth!

CrustyAlkie says, "I get it guys, but..." And CrustyAlkie is not wrong here. I know, Adamas, but he's right. I see a CrustyAlkie/President Roslin tag team coming. Oh, snap! Roslin don't need no stinkin' tag team - SMACKDOWN!

Adama Junior needs to talk it out. But, do you love me too? Yes, son, of course I love you. I love you so much that I will whisper even more intensely! EJO channels the main pain again. "If it were you, we would *never* leave." Jesus, when are they going to let those two hug it out?

Starbuck flies the Shiplon. AGH, SO STRESSFUL! Of course they think she's a Cylon, and how are they going to figure out that she's not?! Oh, ok, exhale - Starbuck thought to tag the ship, meaning no getting blown out of the sky. Apollo is adorably elated, and PopAdama gives her the affirmation his son is so desperately craving. And a cigar. I WILL NOT CRY! Ok, maybe just a little, but I feel a little better because I think R. might be a little teary too.

Jesus, this show is traumatizing.